It's time...

[herosjourney42]

It's time to reinvent myself again. I've done it lots of times, with everyone I've ever met, to some degree or another, and with every life change, be it for the person, for the time, or because of them. This time, though, I don't know what I want, or need, to become.
I'm at another stage in my life.


I'm not a college slacker/nerd anymore.
I'm not Meghann's roommate.
I'm not Eric's butt-buddy.
I'm not Luke's other IA kid on campus.
I'm not Trisha's pseudo-guilt-tripped ex.
I'm not Vicki's get-on-the-train ex.
I'm not Diana's ever-broke, never really there b/f, or even close.
I'm not Sarah's always pining, always depressed b/f.
I'm not Jessie's...I don't even know what it was anymore, except fun while it lasted.

I'm not even the guy who fucked up and cheated with Eva the day before breaking up with Sarah (not the reason, just a dumbfuck thing that happened...and I'm still not sure why, except that it's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and it violates more promises I've made to myself and others than bears thinking about, though I have, and I feel unworthy to speak to anyone about trust or responsibility, though it is often needful). Sarah, if/when you('re) reading this...I'm sorry. I should've told you, but I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I had to. And I hadn't come to terms with my guilt yet. I'm so sorry.

I'm not Colleen's friend, though she probably still thinks I might be. I don't have time for her drama. You're probably still reading this, C. I haven't for a long time. You've been such an emotional drain on me over the years that I am in awe of the amount of time I spent being emotionally sapped. The only worthwhile part is that it helped you, for which I'm glad, but we're not friends anymore. That's just a fact.

That holds true for everyone. If you have drama, don't bring it to me. If you have issues, don't bring them to me. I'm not that guy anymore.
If you have a real problem, or want to bounce something off of me, or even want someone to talk to, fine. But if you have a feeling, it might be drama, then please; keep it to yourself. I'll get back to that later.

I'm not the guy who's absolutely hooked on something he can't have with Meghann. I grew up. It took long enough.
I'm not the guy who, freshman year, had a BLAST in ENG 201E and did all his homework and got up for 8- and 9am classes and did well.
I'm not the guy who had a brief and absolutely stupid thing with Carly during the short Nick-com "My life as a teenage asshole"
I'm not the guy who wasted his time over two summers ago with Kai...oh yes, with Kai.
I'm not the kid who wrote to authors, hoping they'd write back, and delirious with excitement when they did.
I'm not the guy who babysat for Josh and Lily Fireman for 6 years, and loved just about every minute of it.
I'm not the kid who had a crush on Rachel van Rossum for 2 years and told her after she graduated with a love letter on a deck of cards, or who puked at her McDonalds.
I'm not the kid who had a crush on Maja, or the guy who puked while she was back on shoreleave and we were hanging out.
I'm not the kid who, after going to his first religious retreat with Shir Tikvah, said that he felt at home there, and truly felt that he believed in God.
I'm not the kid who lost his virginity on a goddamned dock 3 years later, at another religious retreat, for teens.
I'm not the kid who cheated at monopoly with his younger brother, or the kid who thought he was an idiot for years, and totally fucked him up as a result.
I'm not the guy who was so head-over-heels for Simon and Garfunkle that there was almost no other band in the world to him.
I'm not the guy who was absolutely hooked on Kat.
I'm not the guy who didn't take his meds, because they were a sign of weakness, and took too much time, and he didn't need them.
I'm not the kid who loved Garrison Keillor and thought he was the funniest man alive, after Bill Cosby.
I'm not the kid who was excited every evening when his father came home to read to him.
I'm not the kid who was excited every Thanksgiving to go see his father's side of the family, and to see the parade, and freeze his ass off.
I'm not the guy who joined City Year because his mom thought it would be a good idea and convinced him that it was, as well.

I'm not that person anymore. But I remember.

I'm still the guy who dicks around with computers more than he talks to people.
I'm still the kid who used to crash his dad's computer all the time trying to figure it out, though the crashing thing really doesn't happen to other people's PCs anymore. Only to mine on rare occasions.
I'm still the guy who loves books to distraction.
I'm still the guy who, when he listens to stand-up comedy, is, for a brief while, able to forget that he is sad.
I'm still the guy who walked in sandals at graduation, and hates shoes...I think...
I'm still the guy who collects everything he wants, if he can, from music, to books, to software, to movies and TV shows...to crushes...to friends.
I'm still the guy who has a serious problem with the idea of morals of property ownership that doesn't involve himself.
I'm still the guy who loves to cook, and loves to eat almost as much.
I'm still the guy who intentionally addicted himself to coffee on an Enrichment Week with Mrs. Wermuth and Mrs. Cafcalas in Pittsburgh.
I'm still the guy who likes to know it all and likes to show off to those who know more.
I'm still the guy who likes to help others to know it all.
I'm still the guy who can't save money to save his life.
I'm still the guy who collected cat figurines and images into a shrine, and took a year's worth of Day-at-a-Time cat calendar pages and made them into a giant poster on my ceiling.
I'm still the guy who went to Drama club and got to see the unrated version of "Merry Maid of Arkadee."
I'm still the guy who drove to West Bloomfield just to buy Missy a 2-liter of Dew.
I'm still the guy who wrote poems and short essays when he was sad, but now it is less often, as the sadness defies the words I have.
I'm still the guy who thinks that a hug is as close to a cure-all as exists, though I know it isn't one, anymore.
I'm still the guy who hates being in debt more than almost anything else in the world, because to be in debt is to be beholden to another, honor-bound (the only reason to keep any promise, and the only thing that I feel I truly have, most of the time), and thus, not free.
I'm still the guy who's in love with words and language. Some things will never change.
I'm still the guy who went to see RENT with a bunch of friends, and himself crammed into the trunk of an old '80s Plymouth Voyager.
I'm still the guy who will do anything for his friends that he can, as long as it doesn't cost more money than he can get his hands on.
I'm still the guy who lies to his mother about money, because he can't deal with her knowing that he doesn't have any, and manages it poorly.
I'm still the guy who loves hanging out with Eric; with Luke; with Meghann; with Sarah; with Trisha; with Missy, and Dez and Amanda. I don't know if I can do that with Jessie and Eva anymore, though I hope so.
I'm still the guy who loves all of those people, and who misses them so very, very, very much.

I am now the guy who hates his father, for the failure he was, is, and always will be; for his intense stupidity; for marrying a sorry excuse for a human being and wasting himself, as he always does; for choosing her over me on more than one occasion; and for not being worth my time.
I am now the guy who loves and respects, but cannot stand his mother, for her interrogation, for her micromanagement, for her disapproval of my friends or activities or relationships, and for the fact that I still react to what she thinks because I care, and for the fact that she can hurt me or anger me so deeply with barely a word.
I am now the guy who holds his brother in the highest esteem...when he happens to think about him.
I am now the guy who collects all that stuff that I collect...so that I have hundreds of reasons to keep on living...'cause otherwise, they were acquired and wasted, and then what was the point?
I am now the guy who JUST. DOESN'T. KNOW.
I am now the guy who apologizes, and admits when he's wrong, more often than not (who'd-a thunk?)
I am now the guy who is unable to live as he wishes to live; not his dream, but rather moment-to-moment, as to live in these moments is to live without happiness, and that is a thing I cannot do.
I am now the guy who doesn't always take his meds, because if he did, he'd be out of them, with no health insurance.
I am now (Jessie, when you're right, you're right) as in love with Missy as I've ever been, but will be happy as her friend for as long as she'll keep me around. Sorry, Missy; it's brutally honest time tonight. But life, it goes on.
I am now the guy who sits at home and reads and downloads and broods and coughs all day, who's hands are cracked and who smells like olives, who checks out dozens of items from the library just to make sure that he always has something to dive into and lose himself in, at his fingertips, and who is sadder and lonelier than any person ever should be (not more than many, many are, but that's not what I said).
I am now, because of my loneliness, very desperate, and prone to take anyone who takes an interest...but I will try not to, unless I feel I truly need it to keep going.

I am now very, very close to being defeated.


But I'm not there yet.


I want to be happy.
I want to be pretty (yes, I said it!).
I want to not be lonely, ever again.
I want to be held.
I want to live, but with less of the bad parts of what that entails.
I want to love, whomever, and be loved, in return.

There are things that I am not that I wish to be and am not, and there are things that I am that I do not wish to be. I need to reinvent myself.

Everyone reinvents themselves. I'm not the only one.


Right?

Comments

Im complementing you, take it, damn it.

[intellpassion.livejournal.com]

I know this isnt quite what you mean, but I think there's something to be said about the fact that you never lose who you were, so you may no longer be the type of person that did the things youve done, but they're always a part of who you are, which I think is a good thing. I think I understand what you mean about reinventing yourself, and yes I do think people do it all the time, they just arent self-analytical enough to understand thats what they're doing. When a mid-life crisis guy buys a new car, thats a form of reinventing, or a college student changes majors. Its all a small part of reinventing oneself, you of course, take it in a whole unique way, but thats why youre special :).
I think its awesome that you see part of what you want to be and arent and then wish to aim towards it,in that sense more power to you, just dont try to lose who you were, and are, because of it. Theres a lot of awesome things that you are that you dont even mention so im taking the liberty to tell you some of them.
Like for example, all the things youve done for crushes you talk about like youre embarassed of them, but they just serve to remind me how amazing you are to the people you care about, and thats really something to be proud of, it is not only honorable, but rare and admirable and sweet as hell. Thats who you are, Aaron, when we (me for sure, probably Dez, probably lots others too) talk to people about who our friend aaron is, one of the first things i say is he's one of the sweetest guys i have ever met, and ive always loved that about you.
Also, the fact that you recognize all this stuff about your past and your family members, and whether or not they deserve your respect, really says something about you respecting yourself and that too is awesome.
"Prince Edward: Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough"
I know youre depressed, and I know youre lonely, and I am so sorry I cant do more, but dont sell yourself short and dont forget who you are to all of us. I know its easy to feel neglected since we're not all around you and seeing you every day, but dont mistake that for even one single second as us caring less about you. We think and talk about you every day here and yes we miss you as much as you miss us. Its not the same here without you. But just know that this is a phase and 'this too shall pass' ;-). Seriously though, dont be defeated, ok? Its really not as bad as it looks. And please, apply for some friggin health insurance somewhere and take your friggin meds, I already worry about you enough as it is, ok? Hunny i know you know this, and i know this, but I do love you, and i dont say that like i say it to my dog or my awesome red and white scarf, but I love you and will forever remember you for what youve been to me. Im just so sorry its different to the two of us. You deserve a lot of great things, hun, and we all know that, and to be honest you deserve a better woman than some of the women youve been with (my friends excluded, of course), or at least one thats better for you. Talk to you soon, hun. *Hugs that would be warm and squishy if i could give them to you in person but this long explanation between asterisks will have to do for nowwwwwww*