It's time...

[herosjourney42]

It's time to reinvent myself again. I've done it lots of times, with everyone I've ever met, to some degree or another, and with every life change, be it for the person, for the time, or because of them. This time, though, I don't know what I want, or need, to become.
I'm at another stage in my life.


I'm not a college slacker/nerd anymore.
I'm not Meghann's roommate.
I'm not Eric's butt-buddy.
I'm not Luke's other IA kid on campus.
I'm not Trisha's pseudo-guilt-tripped ex.
I'm not Vicki's get-on-the-train ex.
I'm not Diana's ever-broke, never really there b/f, or even close.
I'm not Sarah's always pining, always depressed b/f.
I'm not Jessie's...I don't even know what it was anymore, except fun while it lasted.

I'm not even the guy who fucked up and cheated with Eva the day before breaking up with Sarah (not the reason, just a dumbfuck thing that happened...and I'm still not sure why, except that it's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and it violates more promises I've made to myself and others than bears thinking about, though I have, and I feel unworthy to speak to anyone about trust or responsibility, though it is often needful). Sarah, if/when you('re) reading this...I'm sorry. I should've told you, but I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I had to. And I hadn't come to terms with my guilt yet. I'm so sorry.

I'm not Colleen's friend, though she probably still thinks I might be. I don't have time for her drama. You're probably still reading this, C. I haven't for a long time. You've been such an emotional drain on me over the years that I am in awe of the amount of time I spent being emotionally sapped. The only worthwhile part is that it helped you, for which I'm glad, but we're not friends anymore. That's just a fact.

That holds true for everyone. If you have drama, don't bring it to me. If you have issues, don't bring them to me. I'm not that guy anymore.
If you have a real problem, or want to bounce something off of me, or even want someone to talk to, fine. But if you have a feeling, it might be drama, then please; keep it to yourself. I'll get back to that later.

I'm not the guy who's absolutely hooked on something he can't have with Meghann. I grew up. It took long enough.
I'm not the guy who, freshman year, had a BLAST in ENG 201E and did all his homework and got up for 8- and 9am classes and did well.
I'm not the guy who had a brief and absolutely stupid thing with Carly during the short Nick-com "My life as a teenage asshole"
I'm not the guy who wasted his time over two summers ago with Kai...oh yes, with Kai.
I'm not the kid who wrote to authors, hoping they'd write back, and delirious with excitement when they did.
I'm not the guy who babysat for Josh and Lily Fireman for 6 years, and loved just about every minute of it.
I'm not the kid who had a crush on Rachel van Rossum for 2 years and told her after she graduated with a love letter on a deck of cards, or who puked at her McDonalds.
I'm not the kid who had a crush on Maja, or the guy who puked while she was back on shoreleave and we were hanging out.
I'm not the kid who, after going to his first religious retreat with Shir Tikvah, said that he felt at home there, and truly felt that he believed in God.
I'm not the kid who lost his virginity on a goddamned dock 3 years later, at another religious retreat, for teens.
I'm not the kid who cheated at monopoly with his younger brother, or the kid who thought he was an idiot for years, and totally fucked him up as a result.
I'm not the guy who was so head-over-heels for Simon and Garfunkle that there was almost no other band in the world to him.
I'm not the guy who was absolutely hooked on Kat.
I'm not the guy who didn't take his meds, because they were a sign of weakness, and took too much time, and he didn't need them.
I'm not the kid who loved Garrison Keillor and thought he was the funniest man alive, after Bill Cosby.
I'm not the kid who was excited every evening when his father came home to read to him.
I'm not the kid who was excited every Thanksgiving to go see his father's side of the family, and to see the parade, and freeze his ass off.
I'm not the guy who joined City Year because his mom thought it would be a good idea and convinced him that it was, as well.

I'm not that person anymore. But I remember.

I'm still the guy who dicks around with computers more than he talks to people.
I'm still the kid who used to crash his dad's computer all the time trying to figure it out, though the crashing thing really doesn't happen to other people's PCs anymore. Only to mine on rare occasions.
I'm still the guy who loves books to distraction.
I'm still the guy who, when he listens to stand-up comedy, is, for a brief while, able to forget that he is sad.
I'm still the guy who walked in sandals at graduation, and hates shoes...I think...
I'm still the guy who collects everything he wants, if he can, from music, to books, to software, to movies and TV shows...to crushes...to friends.
I'm still the guy who has a serious problem with the idea of morals of property ownership that doesn't involve himself.
I'm still the guy who loves to cook, and loves to eat almost as much.
I'm still the guy who intentionally addicted himself to coffee on an Enrichment Week with Mrs. Wermuth and Mrs. Cafcalas in Pittsburgh.
I'm still the guy who likes to know it all and likes to show off to those who know more.
I'm still the guy who likes to help others to know it all.
I'm still the guy who can't save money to save his life.
I'm still the guy who collected cat figurines and images into a shrine, and took a year's worth of Day-at-a-Time cat calendar pages and made them into a giant poster on my ceiling.
I'm still the guy who went to Drama club and got to see the unrated version of "Merry Maid of Arkadee."
I'm still the guy who drove to West Bloomfield just to buy Missy a 2-liter of Dew.
I'm still the guy who wrote poems and short essays when he was sad, but now it is less often, as the sadness defies the words I have.
I'm still the guy who thinks that a hug is as close to a cure-all as exists, though I know it isn't one, anymore.
I'm still the guy who hates being in debt more than almost anything else in the world, because to be in debt is to be beholden to another, honor-bound (the only reason to keep any promise, and the only thing that I feel I truly have, most of the time), and thus, not free.
I'm still the guy who's in love with words and language. Some things will never change.
I'm still the guy who went to see RENT with a bunch of friends, and himself crammed into the trunk of an old '80s Plymouth Voyager.
I'm still the guy who will do anything for his friends that he can, as long as it doesn't cost more money than he can get his hands on.
I'm still the guy who lies to his mother about money, because he can't deal with her knowing that he doesn't have any, and manages it poorly.
I'm still the guy who loves hanging out with Eric; with Luke; with Meghann; with Sarah; with Trisha; with Missy, and Dez and Amanda. I don't know if I can do that with Jessie and Eva anymore, though I hope so.
I'm still the guy who loves all of those people, and who misses them so very, very, very much.

I am now the guy who hates his father, for the failure he was, is, and always will be; for his intense stupidity; for marrying a sorry excuse for a human being and wasting himself, as he always does; for choosing her over me on more than one occasion; and for not being worth my time.
I am now the guy who loves and respects, but cannot stand his mother, for her interrogation, for her micromanagement, for her disapproval of my friends or activities or relationships, and for the fact that I still react to what she thinks because I care, and for the fact that she can hurt me or anger me so deeply with barely a word.
I am now the guy who holds his brother in the highest esteem...when he happens to think about him.
I am now the guy who collects all that stuff that I collect...so that I have hundreds of reasons to keep on living...'cause otherwise, they were acquired and wasted, and then what was the point?
I am now the guy who JUST. DOESN'T. KNOW.
I am now the guy who apologizes, and admits when he's wrong, more often than not (who'd-a thunk?)
I am now the guy who is unable to live as he wishes to live; not his dream, but rather moment-to-moment, as to live in these moments is to live without happiness, and that is a thing I cannot do.
I am now the guy who doesn't always take his meds, because if he did, he'd be out of them, with no health insurance.
I am now (Jessie, when you're right, you're right) as in love with Missy as I've ever been, but will be happy as her friend for as long as she'll keep me around. Sorry, Missy; it's brutally honest time tonight. But life, it goes on.
I am now the guy who sits at home and reads and downloads and broods and coughs all day, who's hands are cracked and who smells like olives, who checks out dozens of items from the library just to make sure that he always has something to dive into and lose himself in, at his fingertips, and who is sadder and lonelier than any person ever should be (not more than many, many are, but that's not what I said).
I am now, because of my loneliness, very desperate, and prone to take anyone who takes an interest...but I will try not to, unless I feel I truly need it to keep going.

I am now very, very close to being defeated.


But I'm not there yet.


I want to be happy.
I want to be pretty (yes, I said it!).
I want to not be lonely, ever again.
I want to be held.
I want to live, but with less of the bad parts of what that entails.
I want to love, whomever, and be loved, in return.

There are things that I am not that I wish to be and am not, and there are things that I am that I do not wish to be. I need to reinvent myself.

Everyone reinvents themselves. I'm not the only one.


Right?

Comments

[interlocutor.livejournal.com]

Everyone reinvents themselves, but you need to be very very careful not to lose yourself completely to what you will one day become.

I'm always here to hug and hold you to the best of my ability.

I love you Aaron, and I miss you very much.

[guatemalanluvli.livejournal.com]

I'm still the girl who loves you and misses you very, very much.

*huggles*

[adoredgoddess.livejournal.com]

By the time I got around to reading and responding, there was the little bit o' drama at the end, so I decided to post to Megh's (I figured she wouldn't mind). But anywho...I am not going to get all gushy here. I just wanted to tell you that I am glad that you can admit a lot of the things (especially concerning your family). I know that you have realized most of them in the past, but you are now strong enough to freely admit them. That says something about your growth as a person. Just hang in there, and know that all of us are here is you need us.

Im complementing you, take it, damn it.

[intellpassion.livejournal.com]

I know this isnt quite what you mean, but I think there's something to be said about the fact that you never lose who you were, so you may no longer be the type of person that did the things youve done, but they're always a part of who you are, which I think is a good thing. I think I understand what you mean about reinventing yourself, and yes I do think people do it all the time, they just arent self-analytical enough to understand thats what they're doing. When a mid-life crisis guy buys a new car, thats a form of reinventing, or a college student changes majors. Its all a small part of reinventing oneself, you of course, take it in a whole unique way, but thats why youre special :).
I think its awesome that you see part of what you want to be and arent and then wish to aim towards it,in that sense more power to you, just dont try to lose who you were, and are, because of it. Theres a lot of awesome things that you are that you dont even mention so im taking the liberty to tell you some of them.
Like for example, all the things youve done for crushes you talk about like youre embarassed of them, but they just serve to remind me how amazing you are to the people you care about, and thats really something to be proud of, it is not only honorable, but rare and admirable and sweet as hell. Thats who you are, Aaron, when we (me for sure, probably Dez, probably lots others too) talk to people about who our friend aaron is, one of the first things i say is he's one of the sweetest guys i have ever met, and ive always loved that about you.
Also, the fact that you recognize all this stuff about your past and your family members, and whether or not they deserve your respect, really says something about you respecting yourself and that too is awesome.
"Prince Edward: Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough"
I know youre depressed, and I know youre lonely, and I am so sorry I cant do more, but dont sell yourself short and dont forget who you are to all of us. I know its easy to feel neglected since we're not all around you and seeing you every day, but dont mistake that for even one single second as us caring less about you. We think and talk about you every day here and yes we miss you as much as you miss us. Its not the same here without you. But just know that this is a phase and 'this too shall pass' ;-). Seriously though, dont be defeated, ok? Its really not as bad as it looks. And please, apply for some friggin health insurance somewhere and take your friggin meds, I already worry about you enough as it is, ok? Hunny i know you know this, and i know this, but I do love you, and i dont say that like i say it to my dog or my awesome red and white scarf, but I love you and will forever remember you for what youve been to me. Im just so sorry its different to the two of us. You deserve a lot of great things, hun, and we all know that, and to be honest you deserve a better woman than some of the women youve been with (my friends excluded, of course), or at least one thats better for you. Talk to you soon, hun. *Hugs that would be warm and squishy if i could give them to you in person but this long explanation between asterisks will have to do for nowwwwwww*

[raveler1.livejournal.com]

Aaron, for all that we are percieved as arguing, and have convinced the world that we despise one another... I respect you. No one other than you could hold forth on all the intracacies of language, whether it be puns or etymology. In many ways, I think of you like an evil-twin... err, I mean brother. I may never understand some of the choices you make, and I don't know if you'll ever understand the ones that I make, but regardless, YOU are a great guy, even if you threaten my existence on an existential level. ;-)

Why we have always been interested in the same women... is painfully obvious. Well, I should say, you are always interested in the women I am, but you have additions to that list that aren't added to mine. And I too eschew the use of medication... and have ever since being instructed to take Ritalin. Now I feel guilty taking tylenol... so I can only imagine how much force there is on you to not take your medication. I understand, Aaron, and I sympathise.

As for being the other IA kid... I think of you now as the IA/Central kid. I've moved far away from my IA past. About the only people I still keep in contact with are you and Noelle. Central has the greater hold on my life now, and I can just barely imagine what life would be like without it. That's one reason I'm still here- I knew that I needed another couple years before heading out into the "Real" world that you and Diana are discovering. I'll be making my way there soon enough, but it scares me too.

I'll wrap this up happily- with the first verse of "Little Maid of Arcadee"

Little Maid of Arcadee
Sat on Cousin Robin's knee
Thought in force and face and limb
Nobody could rival him

And what I remember of the "alternate version"

Horny Maid of Arcadee
Jumped into Robin's Chevy
Proved in force and face and limb
She was not a lesbian

And that's all I can recall, though I'm sure I'm off on some of the lines. Ah well, close enough as makes no difference.

Take care, evil-twin Aaron. For good is only as good as its opposite is bad,, and I want many more years of opposing your reign of terror. :-)

[intellpassion.livejournal.com]

*watches the little boys in the sand box help each other after making sure no one's watching, and then throw sand at each other when someone appears to be looking* awwwww, arent the little boys so cuuuuuuuuute!

[everyonesbff.livejournal.com]

First, in response to your comment, of course we can still hang out. I love you tons and I want us to stay close. I like our talks and when you and I are in a crowd, we do much better, still don't understand it, but its true.

Second, I'm sorry that you're in the place that you are, both physically (home) and emotionally. But I know that things will get better. You are too stubborn to let things stay shitty. Its something that you and I share. :P

I'm glad that you got some things off your chest although your method is a bit questionable. But hey, whatever works for you. The family stuff changes as you get older and the money will get resolved eventually. You still have so many friends up here who care about you. If you need to come visit, cuz things are bad, just let me know and I'll figure out a way to help get you here. I'm always here if you want to talk or laugh or debate, whatever.

Reinvention is scary business. I've been there many times. Take it slow, and don't push people or things away to try and force change, its not pretty. Make sure you like the person you're becoming and that you hold on to the person you were. Both are very important.

If you ever want to feel better, give me a call and I'll tell you depressing stories or something to make your life look better. LOL :P

You have my love and support. Take care.

[bluecrayola242.livejournal.com]

Un. Bloody. Necessary.

You don't even know me.

You haven't talked to me in probably a year.

I'm glad you're taking care of shit, and I'm glad you're happy, but you did NOT need to do that. And yes, I still consider you my friend and I would bail you out of jail as soon as I got the cash (which would actually happen, contrary to popular belief).

And I don't care what you say, because I always thought you were the drama boy, and this proves it. Most people don't ANNOUNCE a change of life, they just do it. This was just attention getting and dramatic and unnecessary.

And I know I'm being drama-y now, but please don't even TRY to tell me you didn't invite it.

Like I'm not going to stand up for myself. For once, I have some balls to not take someone's crap when they shit it out on me.

But, seriously, I'm glad you're happy.

But I'm glad that I'm happier without you, and happier than you undoubtably are. But I would be more than glad to cheer you up, but obviously you aren't interested in a friend-- regardless of what you say.

[emusicman03.livejournal.com]

A-Dawg,

First off, don't listen to the haters (Colleen). That's what the fuck LJ is for, and she has no right telling you that people don't announce shit on LJ, cause that's ALL anyone does is complain about their bullshit lives (in no way did I mean that all you do is complain, or that this is bullshit). When was the last time you saw a post that wasn't a complaint or some retarded quiz/survey/useless crap no one cares about? Also, don't put up with Luke's glancing snipes at your personality, because yours is way more conducive to, well... all of society than his is. He's the one that convinces the world that you hate each other, which you most clearly don't. I'm not trying to start anything, but I have been the objective observer of your relationship with him for a long ass time, and I just wanted to let you know that I generally sympathize/agree with you 90 percent of the time (the other 10 percent being when he likes the gay jokes more than you, which is an obvious rarity). That aside, I hope this means that we can still have masturbation parties even though we are not butt buddies. Seriously though, I love you, and you have and most likely always will be my closest man/guy/dude friend. So do what you need to do to straighten your shit out, but do me a favor and always remember that, cause there will always be Aaron/Eric stories that I will never forget. Take care.

[bluecrayola242.livejournal.com]

First of all...

Oh wait, I don't care.

THIS is why I never post to LJ anymore... because I don't care what all of you hear from me becuase you all still act like high schoolers around each other.

[emusicman03.livejournal.com]

Ok, so if you don't care, why is it that you took the time to reply? And please, don't even bother with the "high schooler" bs. I don't much care for hypocritical nonsense.